I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
