If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
