My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
