I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
