One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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