this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
