I got chris browned last night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
