I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
