put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
