Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
