so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
