I wannas sexs uuuuu
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
