you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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