i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
