Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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