My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't deserve a penis
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
