It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
