we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
