then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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