A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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