So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
