OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
