Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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