You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
