hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
