is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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