Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
