Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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