my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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