last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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