I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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