i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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