Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
