I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
