Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
