i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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