i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
