I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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