It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
