did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
