She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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