I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He passed out mid-signature
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize