its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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