We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
