You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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