I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
