We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
