Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
