1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
