why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
