I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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