I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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