wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
