piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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