Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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