I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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